What's Keeping Me Awake

My elbow hurts. Really badly; I mean, if I hit it against anything it can bring me to nausea and tears. I guess I hit my "funnybone" but I sure don't remember and I would think, with this pain, that I would remember! The nurse says there are lots of nerves in that area, and I am having nerve problems as a side effect, so it's probably nothing.

Probably.

I have only one dose of chemo left. Hooray! And -- what now? The chemo was protecting me, so that when my other breast aches or my elbow is really making me wonder I can comfort myself. Much as I hate the chemo, and am happy to be going off. I am told this is a normal feeling. My friend is going off her 5 years of Tamoxifen, and she feels the same way. It's just the great unknown. I'm trying to just give it to God and not worry. I am not a worrier by nature. But still in the middle of the night the thoughts come, and somehow they are harder to quiet in the middle of the night.

My mind is made up on surgery. Then I hear 15 different stories and I doubt myself. It's made up on Tamoxifen, then I hear more stories and I am not sure what the right thing is after all.

I keep going back to what the doctor says. it's all a gamble.

I want a clear sign from God, He told me to do the self check, didn't he? So why not tell me what to do now? I'm listening!

I never really did like gambling.