Checkup

I had my five-year post-treatment checkup today. It's been five years, almost to the day, since I finished treatment for breast cancer. I don't remember the date, but I do remember pushing to be done before Thanksgiving vacation, so it was the week before.

Originally, my appointment was set for the week of Halloween. When I realized it was in October, I called and changed it! "to when?" they asked. I don't care, just not in October! Thank goodness, the fountain was crystal clear today.

Everything looks good. They don't do PET scans or anything, because my cancer was contained. I will only ever know if it's spread by watching for symptoms. The possible symptoms are many and varied.

Somehow, it seems that the farther out I get from this, the scarier it seems. Like the ax is always waiting to drop. The fact that I know so many people whose cancer returned makes it worse. But I don't want to live my life in fear, so I do the best I can. I try not to let every little thing freak me out. I try not to second-guess myself.

I should be more careful with my health, but then again I don't want to be so legalistic that it takes over my life. There must be a happy medium, and I'm trying to find it!

I usually post an update on Facebook, but I decided not to this time. It always brings 100 or so comments about how strong I am, what a fighter, kicking cancer's ass. As you may recall, I don't feel that way and I don't want to be seen that way. I am a patient who had a disease and received treatment for said disease. Nothing more, nothing less. So I didn't want to hear all that from people.

They would also say how great God is. Which is, absolutely without a doubt, 100% true. But saying so is not relevant to the situation. Our best friend died of cancer earlier this year, and God is still good. A Facebook friend died of breast cancer just last month, and God is still good. Saying that God is good because I'm well, is like saying to them that he isn't -- to me. So just remember that when my time comes, OK? God is always good!

The doctor said I could move to yearly checkups now, but he humored me when I said I'd rather stick with 6 months. He'll let me do that forever if that's what I want. And that's one reason I really love him.

Update - Five years

Hello! I had my checkup in May, and my Mammogram/ultrasound last week, and all is clear. It's been five years now. Dr. Mc says you actually celebrate once it's five years after the end of treatment, but I figure that's close enough.

Only I'm not celebrating, exactly. I'm pleased of course, but The Thing I Can't Verbalize to loved ones is that the ax is always there, ready to drop. And the further out I get, the more taunting the ax seems to be.

It's not that I'm afraid...sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. I'm just living my life. It's just there, and it will always be there. I'm probably not doing everything "right". I'm still not taking Tamoxifen, and I don't always remember to take my vitamins, and I still need to lose weight. But I don't know how much all that really matters, in the end. Some people do everything "right", and it comes back.  I know several personally, and I can't lie, it makes me a little nervous. But I can't dwell on it. It is what it is, and I don't believe I can do much to change what will be,

I've had my first real experience with lymphedema this past week. I cut myself pretty badly on a left hand finger, and even though I took care of it and it didn't get infected, my arm is swollen and painful. I have been doing some exercises, and it's much better. I am not planning to see the doctor about it as long as it doesn't get worse.

So it's five years, and all is well, and I haven't decided whether to make a big deal out of it or not. Post on Facebook? Bring it up to personal friends? I don't think I can stand a "Yay, YOU BEAT CANCER thing, so for now, I'm keeping it quiet.

My last entry was about the Pinking of the Fountain, and it's almost that time again. That will never stop bothering me. When the hospital posted an open invitation on Facebook, someone commented, can we please get some childhood cancer awareness done while it's our turn? Do we have to jump ahead to October? I wish, oh, I wish. I tried expressing myself about it and I'm just the bitter old bitch. Don't rain on the pretty pink parade and ruin the boobie cupcakes! Oh hell no! So, I won't try to do it again, because paying attention to all the pink crap was really depressing. It's easier to pretend to ignore it.

I probably won't update for another year. See you then!