Checkup

I had my five-year post-treatment checkup today. It's been five years, almost to the day, since I finished treatment for breast cancer. I don't remember the date, but I do remember pushing to be done before Thanksgiving vacation, so it was the week before.

Originally, my appointment was set for the week of Halloween. When I realized it was in October, I called and changed it! "to when?" they asked. I don't care, just not in October! Thank goodness, the fountain was crystal clear today.

Everything looks good. They don't do PET scans or anything, because my cancer was contained. I will only ever know if it's spread by watching for symptoms. The possible symptoms are many and varied.

Somehow, it seems that the farther out I get from this, the scarier it seems. Like the ax is always waiting to drop. The fact that I know so many people whose cancer returned makes it worse. But I don't want to live my life in fear, so I do the best I can. I try not to let every little thing freak me out. I try not to second-guess myself.

I should be more careful with my health, but then again I don't want to be so legalistic that it takes over my life. There must be a happy medium, and I'm trying to find it!

I usually post an update on Facebook, but I decided not to this time. It always brings 100 or so comments about how strong I am, what a fighter, kicking cancer's ass. As you may recall, I don't feel that way and I don't want to be seen that way. I am a patient who had a disease and received treatment for said disease. Nothing more, nothing less. So I didn't want to hear all that from people.

They would also say how great God is. Which is, absolutely without a doubt, 100% true. But saying so is not relevant to the situation. Our best friend died of cancer earlier this year, and God is still good. A Facebook friend died of breast cancer just last month, and God is still good. Saying that God is good because I'm well, is like saying to them that he isn't -- to me. So just remember that when my time comes, OK? God is always good!

The doctor said I could move to yearly checkups now, but he humored me when I said I'd rather stick with 6 months. He'll let me do that forever if that's what I want. And that's one reason I really love him.