Now I'll be back to the normal sporadic posts. The original intent of this blog was to document my experience (I don't like the word "journey" and won't use it for any part of my life) from the time of diagnosis. Back then I found a lot of other blogs, and discovered that most of them stopped writing after a certain point. Some of them announced they were quitting because cancer was far enough behind them and they didn't like to focus on it. Others just stopped, hopefully for the same reason. Still others, the spouse came on some time later and posted that his wife had passed on. Some bloggers became activists, something I thought about when writing during October. But I am no activist, and as I said, the topic was stressing me.
I want to be the one who quits because it's so far behind that it's just a moment in the past. I wonder how long that will take? I find myself having on again/off again pity parties lately, feeling phantom pains, worrying about whether my cough is dry or wet (yay wet!). Is that just a headache, or is it brain mets? Is there a bruise there from playing with the kids, or is something wrong with my bone? Why won't that muscle stop aching? Am I making a huge mistake by not following my doctor's advice to the letter?
Or... did I make a huge mistake by following it in the first place...is the brain fog and blurred vision permanent? Will that numbness in my left thumb ever go away? Did I really need chemo - did it do any good - did it do only harm - what if -- what if......
I want to be "normal". Yes, I know about normal. See the very name, url and subtitle of this blog? I know. I know. But still. Yes, I still want my Mommy back, too.
I'm trying to take my return back to the real world in baby steps. I've gotten a part time job. I'm working in little instances of exercise where I can, as well as actual workouts (not that anyone else would call them that). I am trying to eat healthier most of the time. I'm trying to enjoy the moment. Someday, hopefully sooner than later, I will be able to say this:
Today is not that day. But I suppose it's one day closer.
Thanks again to Katie at Little Pink Book of Cancer Cartoons for the use of her art!
