Ah, November

I did enjoy writing every day in October, although the subject matter was really stressful. I think it was important information, and I did have a couple of people thank me for teaching them something. I hope I made people at least think about where their money is going when they donate. :)

Now I'll be back to the normal sporadic posts. The original intent of this blog was to document my experience (I don't like the word "journey" and won't use it for any part of my life) from the time of diagnosis. Back then I found a lot of other blogs, and discovered that most of them stopped writing after a certain point. Some of them announced they were quitting because cancer was far enough behind them and they didn't like to focus on it. Others just stopped, hopefully for the same reason. Still others, the spouse came on some time later and posted that his wife had passed on. Some bloggers became activists, something I thought about when writing during October. But I am no activist, and as I said, the topic was stressing me.

I want to be the one who quits because it's so far behind that it's just a moment in the past. I wonder how long that will take? I find myself having on again/off again pity parties lately, feeling phantom pains, worrying about whether my cough is dry or wet (yay wet!). Is that just a headache, or is it brain mets? Is there a bruise there from playing with the kids, or is something wrong with my bone? Why won't that muscle stop aching? Am I making a huge mistake by not following my doctor's advice to the letter?

Or... did I make a huge mistake by following it in the first place...is the brain fog and blurred vision permanent? Will that numbness in my left thumb ever go away? Did I really need chemo - did it do any good - did it do only harm - what if -- what if......

I want to be "normal". Yes, I know about normal. See the very name, url and subtitle of this blog? I know. I know. But still. Yes, I still want my Mommy back, too.

I'm trying to take my return back to the real world in baby steps. I've gotten a part time job. I'm working in little instances of exercise where I can, as well as actual workouts (not that anyone else would call them that). I am trying to eat healthier most of the time. I'm trying to enjoy the moment. Someday, hopefully sooner than later, I will be able to say this:

Today is not that day. But I suppose it's one day closer.

Thanks again to Katie at Little Pink Book of Cancer Cartoons for the use of her art!

Too funny...

The Last Day

This is it! The last day of "Pinktober".  I knew I would run out of month before I ran out of stuff to post about. Today I am going to be lazy again and post one article, plus a bunch of Stupid Pink Stuff I had left over in my folder. I;ll save the rest of the articles to expound on later. I'm in the habit of posting every day now, so who knows?

I hope you've been clicking on the links. The articles are really good and there is  no point in me retyping something that has been said so well. Here is today's.

Put Down the Pink, and Pick Up Your Pen!

Stupid Pink:

Calling All Breast Cancer Patients: It’s Time to Party!

Calling All Breast Cancer Patients: It’s Time to Party!

Click the link above for the article.

Stupid Pink of the Day:

Taking Back October

Earlier this month I was startled by the news that the word "Pinktober" has actually been trademarked! I had not heard of this before this year, but upon further research I found it was trademarked in 2008.  I was unable to find out when and by whom the word was invented. I had assumed the word started out as a way for us to MOCK what "Breast Cancer Awareness" has become, because that was how I had heard it used until now. At any rate - "Pinktober" is not cute. Breast cancer, and/or its awareness, is not cute. It is not a holiday. It is not something to celebrate or a reason to party.

I would like to have October back. I would like its colors to be the typical fall colors.  I would love to have research and awareness and donations, but I would like to think we can achieve that without "celebrating".

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Stupid Pink of the Day:

Lazy Again

So here is something to amuse you.

This was an ad for an event in Vegas..

A fellow blogger -The Accidental Amazon - decided that was not realistic enough. So she fixed it. (Please click the name to read the article!)

I think she did a wonderful job of fixing it, except it doesn't show the weight gain from steroids and tamoxifen, the lumpy flesh under the arm , or the swollen arm (for starters).

Stupid Pink of the Day:

Lovely saturated fat/sugar sprinkles, straight from the Standard American Diet which is thought to cause cancer (or at least make it worse).

Pink Pumpkins?

"Pink Journey Bundle"...oh, how I despise the word "journey" to describe an illness. That could be just me, though. Is this so we can document our "journey" through scrapbooking? What a great way to celebrate and have a happy bc month.

"Likes" for Dollars

Share this image, and ask your friends to Like the Razoo Giving page. We've got 6 days to make it to 50,000 Likes and unlock $10,000 that will go toward breast cancer research!

You have got to be freaking kidding me.

They are not there yet. If they don't get there, I guess they keep the money, because 49,999 "likes" is not worth it.

Stupid Pink of the Day:

 Nice pair. Thank you for the reminder to all the women who have lost theirs. THIS is what it's all about, you know.

Maybe I can get some new ones:

What Breast Cancer is, and is not!

This video is awesome. This woman is awesome.




Stupid Pink of the Day:
This is billed as a "Funny Breast Cancer Mousemat".

Pink Sparkle Breast Cancer Watch!

I don't know what's more horrifying, this watch or the fact that it's labeled "Breast Cancer Watch" in the same way you would say diamond watch, gold watch, etc. A watch made of breast cancer? No thank you! There is also the fact that the watch itself is butt-ugly, in spite of the words "beautiful" and "lovely" in the description. Note also the misspelling of the word "brest". It is water resistant, so the hot tears that flow every time it blinds you when you look at it won't damage it one bit, as long as you don't cry too many! And, it says "Find the Cure". So everyone will know just by looking at it that you really care. You are "showing off your support", after all.

There is no mention of any type of donation being made when you buy this watch, but let's not quibble over technicalities, shall we?

"Show off your support with this beautiful pink ribbon Brest cancer watch. This lovely watch features 34 clear round crystals that surround a 1 inch white face. The total carat weight is 1.50 carats. The pink silicone band measures 6 1/2 to 8 inches long. The face is encased in durable stainless steel and is water resistant."

(Source: CLICK)

Stupid Pink of the Day:
Apparently watching for breast cancer is available in many other styles as well. See for yourself!

LINK

This....and many more

The NFL's Pink Campaign

"The NFL claims that its pink philanthropy efforts "support the fight against breast cancer" by "promoting awareness" and providing funds to the American Cancer Society. But what they're mostly promoting is, uh, buying NFL gear, the profits from which are overwhelmingly pocketed by the NFL."

What an eye opening article! Please read the rest here! (CLICK)

Stupid Pink of the Day:

I would turn these sideways and tell everyone: Look, my bagels are more holy than your bagels! LOL! Just as dumb as the original. ;)

I do have to admit they are cute, and they look yummy.

I'm Lazy Today.

Too lazy to write anything or look anything up. So here are some things I had saved in my Pink downloads folder.

 Dad was told that prostate cancer was a "good" cancer, too. For him, it was no big whoop, but for others, it is a very big whoop indeed. Just like breast cancer.

From one of my new "favorite" sites. Real awareness!

Well! who doesn't!

Hmmkay. If only it were that easy.

 I would totally take advantage of special parking at WalMart. Guess that makes me a hypocrite.

I only hope the festive, colorful flames aren't carcinogenic.

Real Awareness

I am becoming aware, through my focus this month, of how little people really want to know about breast cancer. People say they want awareness, but what they apparently really want is to keep it fluffy-pink-cuddly-kittycat-cute. They don't want the truth. They can't handle the truth. Hell, I can't even handle the truth sometimes. So I can't really blame them.

I asked myself what I really hope to accomplish by writing about this, and I guess I just want to make people THINK about what they're really giving money to. I want equal attention paid to other cancers; failing that, I would at least like MORE attention paid to other cancers. I would like attention paid to other chronic diseases. I don't want all of those to get as much attention as BC gets now - I would like to see the pink die back to a reasonable level.

Yeah, you may say I'm a dreamer (but I'm not the only one).

Hopefully I have made some people think. I honestly believe that most people have good intentions, and would be appalled to find out what's really going on.

Here is an exchange from the comments of an online article. The article was about how some people think there is too much pink:

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I go out of my way to not buy products with the pink ribbon - toilet paper, yogurt, etc. Just what percentage of my purchase actually goes to breast cancer research? Athletes wearing pink shoes? Overkill. I seem to recall that in May / Mother's Day athletes wear pink again with baseball players using pink bats. Enough!

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" I go out of my way to not buy products with the pink ribbon - toilet paper, yogurt, etc. Just what percentage of my purchase actually goes to breast cancer research? " 

maybe I read this wrong, but let me make sure that I understand you. You already buy yogurt, toilet paper, ect, at a fixed price, right? Now you're telling me that for the same amount of money (for the same product) the company will give away a % of the funds to help cure cancer.... and you intentionally stay away? It may just be 1%, but people like you, who "go out of my way not to purchase pink products" are doing nothing but giving that money back to the manufacturer instead of helping with a cause.

That's sad.

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Except that very little of that 1% goes to *cure cancer*. Instead it goes to make more pink toilet paper (likely with carcinogenic dyes), pink porta-potties and inflated salaries. Have a heart for those of us who have HAD breast cancer and are so bloody sick of the pink. It's not curing anything!

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I am a breast cancer survivor, and I have gotten tired of all the commercialism about 'cancer'. What is the big deal? It is just another disease. As is said already, heart disease kills more women than cancers.

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I feel sad for your mentality. I hope enlightenment comes your way.

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Wow! Really? I am also a BC "survivor". I also hate that term. I had a disease, and I was treated for it. How dare you tell any of us what it's OK to think and feel. Most BC people I've met also hate the pink. Some of them won't say it because of stupid statements like yours above. And yes, I go out of my way to not buy pink products. You certainly have the right to your opinion but I hope your own enlightenment comes very soon.

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it's simple - "What is the big deal? It is just another disease." is a cancerous mentality in itself. (Especially coming from a former breast cancer patient) 

You said you were a BC patient - you ever think the treatments you received, the doctors who treated you, ect may have had some of their funding from charities like this.... & now you go out of your way to not buy simple products that fund the research for a cure?

My statement wasn't "stupid", and the enlightenment I was talking about was - - How can you go thru the process of having BC and emerge at the end not wanting to help others, even in the smallest way? (In this case buying products)

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 everyone has a right to his/her opinion, but let me tell you some facts--i am a physician, i teach and research and diagnose BC, i also have donated help and counselled countless patients, so please don't presume i dont want to help others. you talk about those doctors? i am one of them. BC IS a chronic disease, sooner people treat it like any other chronic disease, the better. that is the only way to remove the 'big scare' out of it. for your information, i work with curing and treating BC all my life,i dont have to or want to go commercial and turn the world pink to show off to others how much i 'support the cause'!

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I'm sorry I said your statement was stupid. I do believe it is uninformed. Please do some research on this. Yes, I will go out of my way to not buy "pinked" products, and with good reason. Many other people, including every single breast cancer patient I have ever personally met, will do the same. Please check out "Pink Ribbon Blues" and "Pink Ribbons, Inc." to learn why we feel the way we do. There are real ways to help. Of course it is much easier to buy a product you were going to buy anyway and call it a day - go to bed feeling all philanthropic and stuff, but what you're really doing is lining the companies' pockets. If you want to donate to research, please do so. Pinkwashing is not the way to do it if you really want to help. "Think before you pink".

Additionally, BC is just one of many diseases out there. I would love to see equal attention paid to some of the others. As a BC patient, receiving chemo last year during October, it was embarrassing to see the attention even the cancer center paid to BC month while none was given to other cancers
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There was much more. Hopefully, posts like this will make people think a little more about what they are actually doing and how it is/isn't helping.

Now, please read this article. (LINK) Please take the time to read it, and the comments too. It's mind boggling to me how even those organizations who SAY they are trying to help really don't WANT the truth.

This is crazy, and it needs to change!!

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Stupid Pink of the Day (I am going to run out of days long before I run out of stupid pink):

Some pink is stupid just because it's pink overload.

Offensive and untrue.

If you love the color pink and just want pink cookware, I am not talking to you.

Interrupting the Pink for an Update

Note: writing about all the pink crap makes me physically ill - nauseated and weak.

It's been awhile since I've had an update. Things are moving along, I suppose. I am working on getting back into shape and I think that's going well. I work out in the pool several times a week and walk each day. I don't walk much yet, but I have increased it. I got a part-time job at my gym. I work in the child care, and it's been really fun so far, although I have had a nasty cold all weekend. (It's funny that I made it through a year of white-count-lowering treatments without getting sick even once, but a week with a bunch of little kids has knocked me out!) I am sleeping much better at night- that is, I had been, until a couple of nights ago.

I am having problems with my left arm again. It isn't any more swollen than it ever was (it's been bigger than the other the whole time). I guess it must be a very tiny bit bigger because my lymphedema sleeve is now too tight. I put it on the other day and after a few minutes was practically crying in pain. So I need to figure out where to get a new one. I did discover they are available in stores which are way cheaper than the one from the PT, but the problem is I need size XXL and so far have not found one in that size.

There is a PT department at my gym. I am going to find out if they can deal with lymphedema. I can't afford to go in several times a week like I used to. Our old insurance covered it under major medical, but Humana charges a copay of $55 per visit, even though it is treatment and not a doctor visit. But it would be helpful if I can stop in after work and learn the exercises, and then stop in on an as-needed basis.

My arm hurts a lot now. It's worse at night. I've looked up some information and found that really I was told NOTHING about protecting my arm. I am not supposed to sleep on that side. Guess what - that's the side I like to sleep on! Unfortunately, once I am asleep I can't force myself to not roll onto that side. So I wake up in excruciating pain from laying on the left side. It feels like it's asleep - pins and needles - but with pain added. It takes a long time for it to "wake  up" again and for the pain to dissipate. So after a few nights of good sleep, I am back to waking up every few.

So I need to learn the exercises again, I need a sleeve that fits, and I need to figure out how to sleep without ending up hurting myself more. I wonder if they make a sleeve I can sleep in? Normally I am only supposed to wear it for an hour at a time or while on an airplane.

When I work out in the pool, I do a lot of work with my arms. I have not read anything that says that's bad for the lymphedema side, but I think I probably injured myself and that's why it's worse. it feels like I pulled something. The neuropathy is back in my thumb, and I have a wart on my thumb (popped up where I had stabbed myself with a thorn, because I had not been told to wear heavy gloves for gardening) that won't heal.

In other news, I have been given permission to have my port removed. I wasn't in any hurry but I just learned that our insurance year is actually over on Oct. 31, so now I would like to do it before then. I just have to coordinate my work schedule and the surgeon says it's a one day thing with no down time. In fact I recall that I had it put in and started chemo the next day!

So that's about it for now, all the tests I've done lately look good and there is no reason to think anything bad will be happening. Still I can't shake the feeling of impending doom. Such is the life of a cancer "survivor", I guess.

My friend posted this on Facebook,and I like it because Not pink+includes all cancers+pushes research = I can approve this message. 

Stupid Pink of the Day:

"When life hands you lemons, make pink lemonade". Huh.

Crazy.

This is objectification and infantilization all in one. It is also the Stupid Pink of the Day.

Objectification

I think I am ready to tolerate the pink, if it would mean that the increase in objectification of women would stop.

I have written about it before. (CLICK). It's been something that's bothered me for a long time, even before breast cancer touched me personally. Objectification is WRONG.

Read this article. Please. (LINK) If you click through to the actual videos, get ready to be shocked by the comments - not in support of ending objectification of women and their bodies, but insulting the people who are offended by it.

That's really all I can say. Reading this has brought me to tears. Writing this has made it worse. What a horrible party pooper I am.

There is no stupid pink of the day today, because I simply can't handle it after reading this.

Well Stated

Posted on Facebook by a friend. Perfectly stated.

"wearing pink is cute. Cancer is not cute. Too many friends and family members are all too aware of how awful cancer is and how bad it sucks...kidney, breast, liver, bone, blood, lung, skin, brain, ovarian, and others I do not mean to neglect have affected my family and friends so horrifically. I don't need October to be aware. I don't need NFL players to wear pink socks. In fact, they've ruined pink for me. My dad died of mesothelioma before he should have and he valued education over anything. Send your kids to school...promote math and science. Help them go to college. The only thing that is going to win the battle against cancer is an educated "next generation". Not a football game."

Stupid Pink of the day, of course, is:

More About "Tatas"

I hate even typing that word, by the way.

In case anyone is still reading this blog, I am not sorry for interrupting the festive pink parties. If you're still reading this you probably don't care, but I just wanted to say it. At first I felt bad, when people would say things to me. I don't like to hurt people's feelings or piss them off. But I don't care, anymore. Right is right, and wrong is wrong, no matter how few people think it is. Pinkwashing is wrong. Objectifying women is wrong. Making a buck off of seriously ill people in the name of "awareness" is F*ing WRONG. People should be ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. I will not apologize for it anymore.

It's interesting that in all the people I met in the chemo room and the doctor's office and in internet support groups, I have yet to meet ONE SINGLE BC patient who LIKES the pink BC stuff. I have met a grand total of ONE who even slightly tolerates it, and that's because she has figured out that to mention it would cause drama and she doesn't want to do that. I know there must be some who like it, or at least seem to, but I have not met any of them. Just interesting, is all. The rest of us hate is, are offended and hurt by it, even though most won't mention it in polite company. I don't blame them, really - given the way those of us who do speak out are treated as bitter, humorless hags who want to spoil the fun.

Today's post is an article that was in my Facebook feed from the Pink Ribbon Blues page. I do hope you will read it. If you are or ever have been a feminist, a woman or have loved a woman, you should really read it. (CLICK HERE) One quote:

"At one point in our history women struggled to be recognized as thinking beings, not just body parts. We still do.Now we also have to struggle to be taken seriously as human beings in breast cancer awareness campaigns that allegedly care about women’s health."

If you are a woman, do you enjoy being objectified for your body parts? If you have ever cared about any woman in your lifetime? Your mother, your sister? If she had cancer, would you enjoy seeing it trivialized this way? Please think about it.

Stupid pink crap blah blah:

Pinking the School

Here are a few pinkings I've seen from schools. I think I would keep my kids home if their school did this for a day. I don't know if I would complain or not. Why bother? It wouldn't do any good. /party pooper

I find the phrase "fight like a girl" to be incredibly offensive. I can't really explain why, but I do.
It has names of people they have lost, so at first I was reluctant to snark on it. My sense of bitter humorlessness won out. However, perhaps next September I will make a teal shirt with my Mom's name on it.

This one is "celebrating" every Tuesday. Hey, kids! No school on Tuesdays for a whole month, what do you think?

Stupid pink of the day (AKA But wait, there's MORE!)

Stupid Pink Stuff

seriously?? 

If I got a pink paper, I would be pissed off.

Comment: "For breast cancer, I would eat some boobie pizza".

HAPPY "Pinktober"??? Are you freaking kidding me?? (CLICK HERE)

And now we can CELEBRATE "Pinktober". (CLICK HERE) Hooray! Now it's a party!!

And ending with this awesome video. You'll have to click the link below; I can't seem to get it to embed on this page.

CLICK HERE