I can't believe it's been over a year since the last one. I guess I just don't think about cancer as often anymore - at least, not enough to write about it. The thought of it never really goes away.
I am still doing well. My next doctor visit is right at my 5 year anniversary, and after that he says we'll go to yearly checkups. That's a good thing, right? I can't lie, I still worry. Not worry exactly, because I am not a worrier. I think it's just that I know there is always still a risk. Whatever. I'm living.
Last month I completed a goal I set when I was finishing up chemo - a hike with my brother. We climbed Mt. Leconte in TN, to stay in a lodge that's only accessible via one of 5 trails. It was way too much for me, kicked my butt, and I am still trying to recover (bye-bye toenails!) BUT, I DID IT! It's a victory for me personally, not me as a former cancer patient. It sucks that I need to clarify that, but honestly, had I done it before, everyone would say something like "oh, cool! Good for you". Instead, they say things like "OMG! You are so inspiring! What a superhero! You are amazing!"
Because I know they mean well, I can't say anything, you know? But I will say it here. DO I ever just get to be ME again? Or do I always have to be this cancer kicking she-ro? Especially considering the fact it's just, in my opinion, the luck of the draw?
Today on Facebook a story was shared about the local cancer center "pinking" their fountain for"breast cancer month". I shared it and typed out a fairly long commentary, but apparently it didn't actually post. I can take a hint. I was hesitant to post my thoughts anyway. It just isn't cool to rain on the Pretty Pink Party. So I'll say that here, too.
In October, 2011, I was in the middle of my chemo treatments. Every week that month, the talk of the chemo room was all the pink crap the Cancer Center was dressed up in. We ALL hated it. It was embarrassing to the breast cancer patients, and hurtful to the others. We talked about it every week! The Cancer Center went all out, too. I don't remember the fountain being pink, but all the lighting, inside and out, was pink. There was a HUGE pink ribbon hanging on the side of the building, covering over half the three stories. Ribbons were everywhere. The staff switched to pink shirts. It was perfectly nauseating.
I know people mean well, really, I do. I don't want to say anything to hurt a patient or someone who has lost a loved one, but when is the Pink party going to stop? Would it be better if they would dye the fountain a different color every other month? Maybe, marginally...but personally, I would rather they didn't. We have awareness - particularly, breast cancer awareness. Can we stop now? Can we not hire a brass band, and provide pink refreshments, and have the TV news come? Can we stop purposefully excluding all the other cancer patients at the freaking CANCER CENTER where they have to walk through the pink crap to get to the treatments they aren't sure will help or hurt them?
Can we just stop and think?
One might logically be able to expect the Cancer Center to understand this. It's not the Breast Cancer Center, after all.
October is still depressing for me. I love Fall and am excited it's here, but the focus of the month sucks the joy out of me. This year it's been better. I've kept my mouth shut and my eyes averted. I haven't noticed a lot of pink crap in the stores because I don't shop much. I almost forgot about it until I saw the news video with the cheering and the brass band and the formal "pinking of the fountain". Deciding to share and comment was a big step for me, and whatever glitch, on Facebook's end or mine, that caused it to not be posted was a slap in the face and a reminder to keep my stupid trap shut.
People will say I'm just bitter and humorless, and that's certainly true where this is concerned.
I really didn't mean to get off on that tangent. Life is still good, See you next year.
