A Great Blog

This is not a new entry, but it says everything so well. Please read it!

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You may have noticed I'm not griping about stupid pink crap this year. It's definitely not because it doesn't bother me anymore. No, it bothers me exactly as much as before, maybe even more.

The truth is I am tired. After a couple of discussions with people, including my baby brother, whom I know loves and cares about me an awful lot, I realized there is absolutely nothing that will happen by griping about it other than making me MORE bitter and angry about it. Yes, that is a fatalistic attitude, and I don't really believe it, but for now I need to leave it to the experts. Those like Gayle at Pink Ribbon Blues, and the good folks at Think Before You Pink.

I just can't do it this year. Interestingly, I am not the only one. Several of my favorite "cancer bloggers" feel the same way and are staying out of it this year. I just don't have it in me. But if you think it's because I'm coming to terms with it, I am not. I want to write a letter to my local cancer center complaining about the huge pink ribbon they hung outside the building, AGAIN, stating "we care". We know they care! It's their business to care. But no other cancer gets a ribbon hung on the building. No other cancer gets the lighting changed to a not-so-subtle shade of pink (or whatever) for a month. I was getting chemo during October 2 years ago, and every single person in that chemo room felt the same way, no matter what kind of cancer they had. IT IS OFFENSIVE. And it needs to go.

So. Please read the entry I linked above, and that's probably all you will hear from me this month.

Pain

I'm having a lot more pain than I expected from the port removal. I figure it's probably because as soon as I got it put in, I started chemo the next day and didn't have time to think about it. it feels like someone punched me. It;s really sore at the incision and hurts to wear a bra.

On the bright side, it means the end of chemo! I can live with that. :)

Bye-bye, Port

I had my port removed yesterday. Of course I could have, should have done it long ago. I procrastinate, what can I say? But it's gone now.

I am very grateful for the technology. I have uncooperative veins, so chemo would have been hellish. More hellish.

I am glad it's gone. I hope I never need one again.

My Second "Lumpiversary"

Two years ago today is when I found the lump. I can't believe it's been that long already. As much as time seems to crawl sometimes, it flies even more.

it's a gorgeous spring day like it was 2 years ago. Full of promise and beauty.  I feel like I've wasted so much time not feeling great or just not wanting to do anything, while on the other hand sometimes I do too much like I am overcompensating.

I would like to slow down and enjoy life and the people in mine. In the recent past I have taken some steps to do just that.

Life goes on, no matter what we do. The only thing I can control is how I live mine.

It's Always Something

I had to take last week off work again. My knee went out. It's bothered me off and on since I injured it shortly before my diagnosis, but I never felt I had to do anything about it. Suddenly, 2 weeks ago, it just "popped" and I was in intense pain. At the moment I was sitting with my feet up. Nothing more. I have no idea what caused it, but of course the first thing you think of is scary stuff. especially when there is no obvious reason. So I was trying pretty hard to not freak out.

Luckily the x-ray showed nothing. He said we could do an MRI but it had improved and as long as it gets better we won't have to. He said it's a tear in the cartilage and if it didn't get better may need surgery. Now it is almost completely back to "normal", meaning I can't kneel and I can't bend it fully or very fast, but it's as good as it has been the past couple of years.

Still no idea what could have caused it. I was out with my scout troop the weekend prior, walking a lot, but that was 2 days before it popped.

My treatment for this was to stay off it for a week, and a course of steroid pills. I didn't have any side effects from those until last night when I couldn't sleep. It seems the same is happening tonight, too. Flashbacks!! Not as bad as that time, but still. I probably got 2 hours of sleep last night and it isn't looking good so far, for tonight.

I wonder if the fear will ever go away- the fear that every little pain has something more sinister behind it.

A Step Back

I guess I was overdoing it, because last night I had a pain in the stomach area. I couldn't really figure out where or what it was, but it felt better to put some pressure on it. I actually took a pain pill before bed and was able to sleep. I decided that today would be a lazy day.

I just don't know where to draw the line, I guess. I am supposed to move around and get back to normal activities gradually. I didn't think I was doing that much.

Blah-less!

What a difference a couple of days makes! I feel almost normal today. I have been up and around and even went out to lunch. I did tire easily, but that's OK. I'm back, BABY!! :)

Little Less Blah

Today has been OK. I did sleep very well last night. I took 2 pain pills before bed (I am allowed "one or two as needed" of the Lortab 500) and I know that helped.  Unfortunately they only last 4-6 hours, so I woke up at 6:30 in a lot of pain.

I figure it this way - I am not a back sleeper. AT ALL. I can feel the strain on my stomach muscles when I move around in bed now. So probably in the night I naturally tried to roll over and so the pain was worse.

So I did what anyone would do. I got the kids off to school, took 2 more pills and went back to bed!

I got up again around noon (!!!) and was good for the rest of the day. I probably could have moved around more, so I'll work on that tomorrow. I did cook dinner, so there's that. I shouldn't overdo it!

Tonight I will take 2 more pills and hopefully wake up better. At any rate after tonight I will try to cut back to one and see what happens.

Blah.

I do feel better overall. That's probably why I forget to take my gas-X and hydrocodone until I NEED to. And I knew without the nurse telling me that by then, it's too late and you have to catch up. But I am going to sleep in my own bed tonight. At least that's the plan; we'll see.

I don't like sitting still. OR - I love the idea, until i HAVE to. I've been working on camp stuff all day, stuff I can do at the computer, making lists. I wanted to go fold laundry, but I didn't. yay me! Maybe I'm not actually as lazy as I thought I was.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Recovering from Surgery

Yes, I did have the hysterectomy on the 17th. I am home recovering. I didn't expect it to be easy, but WOW, it has been worse than I thought! They inject with gas, so the robot can see its way around better. Then my body has to get rid of the gas. The gas is not in the normal places you expect to find gas and pass it easily. It has to work its way out. I was told they would use the gas, but I don't remember being told about the rest, or how much it would hurt!

Apparently a laproscopic hysterectomy is usually an outpatient these days, but for some reason they had me scheduled to stay overnight. Good thing, since the pain didn't hit me until about 7 am the next day. I had no idea what it was from. It was in my shoulders, which I would never have thought to blame on gas! It was excruciating. I could not lie down for the rest of the day, in fact I did not lie down until this morning, 2 days after the pain hit. I have been managing in my recliner, although it was not that comfortable either.

I feel miles different today. it still hurts, but I plan to walk around quite a bit and should get much better sleep now that I can get into my bed.

Procrastination

That's my middle name.

I finally got scheduled for a hysterectomy, it's January 17. Next week. I don't know why I put it off. I think maybe because life is somewhat normal for now and I don't want to have to recover again. What motivated me to finally make the appointment was a sign of returning hormonal activity. That scared me, because my particular cancer was hormone-driven. So I made the call. I still don't want to do it, but I'm going to go through with it. it's going to be Laparoscopic, so the recovery time will be less. I can go back to work in a month. I can drive in a week. I can walk (for exercise) pretty much right away, taking it slow, of course.

Other than that, everything is going well. So that's my update!