Update - Five years

Hello! I had my checkup in May, and my Mammogram/ultrasound last week, and all is clear. It's been five years now. Dr. Mc says you actually celebrate once it's five years after the end of treatment, but I figure that's close enough.

Only I'm not celebrating, exactly. I'm pleased of course, but The Thing I Can't Verbalize to loved ones is that the ax is always there, ready to drop. And the further out I get, the more taunting the ax seems to be.

It's not that I'm afraid...sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. I'm just living my life. It's just there, and it will always be there. I'm probably not doing everything "right". I'm still not taking Tamoxifen, and I don't always remember to take my vitamins, and I still need to lose weight. But I don't know how much all that really matters, in the end. Some people do everything "right", and it comes back.  I know several personally, and I can't lie, it makes me a little nervous. But I can't dwell on it. It is what it is, and I don't believe I can do much to change what will be,

I've had my first real experience with lymphedema this past week. I cut myself pretty badly on a left hand finger, and even though I took care of it and it didn't get infected, my arm is swollen and painful. I have been doing some exercises, and it's much better. I am not planning to see the doctor about it as long as it doesn't get worse.

So it's five years, and all is well, and I haven't decided whether to make a big deal out of it or not. Post on Facebook? Bring it up to personal friends? I don't think I can stand a "Yay, YOU BEAT CANCER thing, so for now, I'm keeping it quiet.

My last entry was about the Pinking of the Fountain, and it's almost that time again. That will never stop bothering me. When the hospital posted an open invitation on Facebook, someone commented, can we please get some childhood cancer awareness done while it's our turn? Do we have to jump ahead to October? I wish, oh, I wish. I tried expressing myself about it and I'm just the bitter old bitch. Don't rain on the pretty pink parade and ruin the boobie cupcakes! Oh hell no! So, I won't try to do it again, because paying attention to all the pink crap was really depressing. It's easier to pretend to ignore it.

I probably won't update for another year. See you then!