Update

Wow, it's been awhile. In the past that's meant that generally all is well. Not so much this time - although there is nothing really wrong, either, don't worry!

Today I go in for my Herceptin-only treatment. Then I have 2 more weeks with chemo, then I am DONE with chemo! Hooray!

I have really felt like crap the past few weeks. It's finally worn me down to where I have decided to give up my outside activities until after Thanksgiving. This really pisses me off! My activities have been keeping me going, and I think they still would. I'm not sure this is necessary, but I'm doing it anyway. I have the same feeling I had after Katrina where it was like it was stealing stuff from me. I know it's only temporary but I have kept up so well this entire time it makes me angry to have to quit now.

I feel bitter and angry more and more lately. John thinks I need to talk to someone. I don't see the point. I did talk to our pastor last week. I just need to get through these next few weeks. My guess is the anger is covering for fear of the unknown. I don't really feel like I'm afraid, but maybe afraid just isn't the right word. I like knowing what's happening next, so it's not really fear, but just that i DON'T know. Anyway I don't know how anyone expects me to feel. I have CANCER, damn it. How do you think YOU would feel?

On the bright side, I have been able to sleep a little bit better. On the other hand, it doesn't seem to make much difference - I still feel exhausted.

I had my doctor visit last week and we talked (again) about all the treatments. I agreed to go to the radiologist for a consultation. I still don't think I will do radiation, but I'll listen to what he has to say.

Dr. is familiar with the Finn-Her study and says there are other studies going on that topic. He thinks it shows great promise. But for now the standard is 12 months so that is what he has to go on. He stressed that I could quit at any time, none of it is mandatory. He admitted he didn't know what he would do if it were him, or a member of his family, other than to do more research and make the best decision they could. He says it's all a gamble either way.

So isn't that great? All these years of research and studies and the only thing that's really been accomplished is to put small, well-meaning charities out of business.

I still don't believe an actual cure will ever be allowed to be found. I don't believe any study on Herceptin will be allowed to change the dose from 12 months to anything less. There is way too much money involved.

So basically the update is that it's all a crapshoot. I will either be cancer free or I won't, and it probably will have nothing to do with whether I got various types of treatment or for how long. Pray, everybody!