Reporting from hell

OK, so it still isnt as bad as last time. The claritin really seems to be working because there isn't much pain. But I have the worst headache ever. My hair hurts, I am not comfortable no matter what I do and I am exhausted but can't sleep. I was nauseated all day yesterday and couldn't even manage to type to write in here. My mouth is bone dry and so is my skin. I tried to put lotion on and the smell was disgusting (normal pretty-smelling lotion). I was too sick to eat. Yesterday I only had a small cup of soup. and managed to sip one bottle of water. I know I need to do better on the water at least. The worst is still the terrible brain fog. It's also the scariest. I don't want to end up staying like this, it's a real fear to me. I just read an article that says it was only recently that doctors accepted "chemo-brain" as something real. I wonder what the hell they thought everyone was talking about for all those years before? What do you want to bet it finally took an ONCOLOGIST getting chemo to make this amazing discovery? Assholes!

My head feels like I am wearing a too-tight knit cap. I keep reaching to take it off. it's really annoying. I finally got up and ate something. So far so good. Nothing appeals to me. My eyesight is blurred. No amount of adjusting my glasses helps. I am weak and dizzy when I sit up, yet I am so sick of lying down.

This is the part where I tell myself I never want to do this again, there must be some other way, etc like I did last time. I know, I know now that I can do it - still, I wonder again WHY I am doing it if the cancer is gone? I read today that there is a "much gentler" treatment for BC and the one I am only offers 1.5% better statistics? I think at this point I would give up that 1.5 % for a healthy me NOW. Maybe that's just the medical rebel in me. I'm tired of just taking the doctor's word for it. I still don't entirely trust doctors. I would love a second opinion but IS there a doctor I can trust? So I trudge onward. It's all a gamble, right? I mean, life itself is a gamble. God knows the number of my days, and He also knows how they will end. I wish He would give me a clear sign about all of this.

I really wish they could make it so you go to sleep until this part is over with.