meh.

I went back and forth on whether to say anything at all on FB. I know most of them IRL, but some of them from so far back it doesn't really matter, you know? But I have 2 class reunions coming up this summer (my actual HS and the one I would have gone to if we hadn't moved here), and the people in each group have really kind of gotten close over the last year or so through FB. So I decided to say as little as possible and anyone who wants to know more can just ask. But I decided I should say something at least. It as weird because I like to keep it fairly impersonal and I don't like attention. So of course I am the one who gets triplets and breast cancer. So much for no attention, LOL.

I think I am doing OK. There is always the possibility I am in shock or denial but I think the fact that I think that's possible probably means that I am not. I do expect to have a moment of shock and reality when the bandages come off. And I will probably have another if they say I need to get chemo. See, that is the thing I want to do the least, getting chemo. I hope I won't need it and he said I might not, if he got it all. I will get it if I have to, I am keeping an open mind. One good thing about talking about it is I find other people who have been through it and they are always willing to talk to me about it. The nurse who checked me in for surgery was one. I wonder if she was assigned me for that reason or if it was just a coincidence. There have been more like that too.

I think I'm "supposed" to be all emotional about it or feel like less of a woman or something. But I really don't. it's just life. I don't know if I will change my mind on that later, but I don't think so. We'll see. I'm planning on not thinking too much in advance. I already try to live that way anyway, so it's not such a stretch.

It does still seem sort of like a bad dream, but then again so has a lot of stuff these last few years. It really did seem to happen fast. I don't know why I decided to do a self-check that morning (just 2 weeks ago today). I think it was God telling me to. I know that sounds crazy, but it's what I think. I don't know how long it had been there. I had not kept up on the checkups as much as I was supposed to. The woman doing my mammogram was chewing me out for that and it really pissed me off. Like, how is that helpful at this moment? Dont' you think I have beaten myself up over that enough, and what good does it do anyway? Then I found out the lump didn't even show up on the mammogram! It was only on the ultrasound. Fucker! Anyway there is serious doubt whether mamograms are even useful or if they could even be dangerous. the point is we found it NOW and took care of it.

We haven't said the word "cancer" to the younger kids yet. The older ones figured it out on their own from what we did tell them, and we answered their questions honestly....as we will with the younger if they have any. I want to wait to say that word to them, because as you know their only experience with "cancer" is watching my parents go through it. So my fear is that just the word will really freak them out. But they are old enough to understand that there is a difference. Just waiting for the right time to talk to them about it I guess. I admit I am sort of putting it off.

So from here, I will just sit around and try not to overdo it for the next few weeks. I will see an oncologist in 3 weeks to discuss if I need further treatment. I do know I don't want my Dad's oncologist - he was a total asswipe. Of course he is on my insurance, LOL. But there are others so I will choose one of them. He might be the best guy in town but he was so condescending to my Dad that I don't think I could look past that. I was signed on for a lot of stuff this summer - co-director of Cub Scout day camp, Girl Scout day camp, as well as just the day to day scout stuff. I had just resigned my band boosters position effective in June, so at least I won't have to worry about that.