Now I understand.

My Dad used to complain that he didn't want to be a drain on the family finances. Of course I chastised him for saying that, and rightly so, I still believe. But now I can understand what he meant a little bit more.

There is a difference between him and me, though. He had money, and plenty of it. He was just trying to save as much as possible for leaving to us, while we wanted him to have whatever he needed - and we needed to help with him - specific to that discussion, a night nurse so that we ourselves could function. I won that conversation, and we all benefited from it.

But we don't have any extra money. We spend more than we bring in on our best day pre-cancer. I personally have been in a mixture of denial and "I don't care, life is short" for far too long. There are also the medical bills, stuff not paid by insurance, vitamins and phone consults and bandannas and dangly earrings and just the LIFE HAPPENS of six kids (one in college, one in senior year high school which is hideously expensive if you don't already know), 4 falling-apart cars and their repairs, maintenance, insurance and gas, grocery trips that cost more if you don't buy canned CRAP (I thought about extreme couponing, but pay attention to what they buy and what coupons are for! Processed, sugary, chemically CRAP), 4 kids in league baseketball...do I even need to go on? Frankly, we've needed a wake-up call in our spending for a long time coming.

Today I about had it when I went in for a lymphedema consult and our new insurance company (I have not talked about that yet, but I will if I can ever organize my thoughts to do so). They asked me for my co-pay, which happens to be extremely high at $55 per specialist visit. I was surprised - when I had PT last year under my old insurance it was billed as a service. The distinction is that the service is billed under the deductible co-insurance. So once I had met my out-of-pocket maximum (which I believe I have already met for this year, after just 2 weeks) they paid 100%.

Lymphedema therapy wants me to come in 3 days a week for 15 visits. At $55 a pop, that will not be happening, ever. So she gave me the sleeve and gauntlet (Someday I will throw that down, just because I can!) which will be paid for by a foundation that does that, and a couple of sheets of exercises which she spent more time than she really had, teaching me. So I can do them at home and not go even broker, at least from that.

Luckily, I am not having any problems with lymphedema yet; Dr. Mc just wanted me to consult and head stuff like that off.

Anyway as I was crying on the phone to the insurance co, thinking surely there must be some sort of mistake, I remembered my Dad grasping my wrist and saying "I don't want to be a drain". I know now how you felt, Dad Even if it isn't rational, it's just how I feel right now.