About Radiation

With one week down, I think I can honestly say that radiation is the most depressing treatment so far. It's not difficult - it isn't painful - so far I have no side effects, and don't expect to for several weeks.

I was a little more emotional than usual yesterday anyway from lack of sleep. it made me think about what I was doing in a different way than I have before.

When I went in for my setup, they gave me a shirt to wear each time, so they don't have to give me a new robe every time. I can wear it in or change there. It's basically the same material as a hospital gown, but long sleeved (why?? I don't know) and snaps down the front. So I wear that in, and when I'm in the room I slip off the left arm. Then I lie down on this hard table. I think maybe it wouldn't kill them to put a little cushion there, but maybe there's a reason they can't. There is a little pillow and they put a towel over that. I lie on my back and they put a cushion under my knees. My right hand really has nowhere to go. Yesterday they suggested I hook my thumb in my waistband and that helped. Before that it just seemed to fall off the table and fall asleep, like it has a mind of its own.

After I lie down I reach my left arm over my head and hold onto a handle above the pillow. Good thing I have good range of motion because it could be very painful otherwise! I have to turn my head to the right. Usually I just close my eyes. That's why it's so easy to just THINK about stuff. There is a picture overhead - a very large, 4 section picture of a gorgeous garden scene. I wish I could just look at that instead of to the right, but they won't let me. I wonder what's on the other side of the river. If I remember I'll look there first next time.

Then, the nurses move me around till I'm positioned correctly. I am not supposed to move at all myself, or try to "help" which is the natural reaction. They will move me tiny bit at a time and when they're done it's not always a comfortable position, but it's where I have to be to get it set right.

Keep in mind my left side is entirely exposed at this point. There is nothing there, of course. Just a bigass ugly scar. But still. I am lying there half naked on a cold, hard table while strangers move me around. Having my arm raised like that makes me feel even more exposed and vulnerable. Oh, and then they usually draw on me with a sharpie.

They come in and out of the room - out while they "shoot me" (that's what I call it. I don't know what the term is) and back in to make adjustments and such. Usually they put the CD player on softly. This week it's been Michael Buble, whom I really don't care for but it is relaxing. Today I asked if I could bring my own iPod and they didn't see why not, so we'll see. When it's over - usually less than 15 minutes total - they have to help me up because my stupid underused muscles have frozen in place. Then it takes me a few minutes before I can even stand up, then I am on my way.

Today I just lay there, unable to relax in the position I ended up in, hands falling asleep, nose itching but I can't scratch it, Michael Buble playing a little bit too loudly, half naked on the cold table, and thinking that in some ways this is worse than chemo. Sure, chemo had it's side effects but going to the chemo room was fun, as much as anything like that could ever be fun. We talked and laughed and joked around and took benadryl naps and worked puzzles shared snacks and made friendships.

Even as I type it, I am aware of how ridiculous that sounds! Chemo was anything but FUN! I am not making any sense.

The radiation is just humiliating. The nurses are great - it's not anything to do with them. I guess it's just me.

EDITED TO ADD: I really don't mean to sound so whiny. I really am not, as a general rule. I'm just trying to keep it real here.