I Could get Hit by a Truck.

That's what I've always said. I said this about myself, not other people. Recently I've read in some other "cancer blogs" that this is actually something that other people say to the cancer patient, and the patient doesn't appreciate it. I don't blame them. It must be the equivalent of "better you than me" or "I would kill myself" that we hear in the triplet world.

I never want to be seen as presuming to speak for anyone else (unless I am quoting them, of course) so I feel the need to make that clear. If you don't have cancer, please don't say that to someone who does. Ditto any other chronic disease.

I couldn't sleep last night (more later, but for now I will just say who the HELL sends a cancer patient a LETTER saying there is a spot on the mammogram she should have rechecked in 6 months?) and I was thinking about this statement. Then as I started to drift off, I dreamed.

I could see, way off in the distance - almost at the horizon - a tiny pinpoint. I stand there in the road, watching.

I have no idea how fast it's coming. I don't even know what it is, yet. It could be a tree. Or a rock. Or a person. Or a speck of dust in my eye.

By the time I realize that it is, actually, a truck, I am still riveted to my spot. It is coming straight at me, but it's still so far away that I can't tell what it's going to do. I find myself obsessed with the truck and its path. How fast is it going? Maybe it will turn away before it gets to me? If it does hit me, what then. Maybe it will hit me head on. Maybe it will brush past me. Maybe somewhere in the middle. Will I have to be hospitalized? Will I have time to say the things I want to say to the people I love? Time to right the wrongs? Will I suffer greatly or go quickly?

The truck gets closer, and still I stand. I should move out of the way. It's so foggy that I should at least turn my attention away from it and deal with the things I need to do today. The truck is still far enough away. I should just forget about it for now.

My purpose for saying "I could get hit by a truck" is to remind myself to enjoy every day. None of us knows how many days we've been given, except God. I personally, truly believe that God has known the details of my life and death since before I was born, and there is nothing I can do to change that. That's not to say I shouldn't try to stay healthy (I know, it's difficult to explain this to someone who doesn't believe the same thing). So why am I obsessing about it? I DON'T WANT TO.

I have had friends die who were "hit by a truck". Kids my kids' age. Kids of my friends. Parents of my friends. I have seen people hit head on and people hit in slow motion. I watched both of my parents die from cancer, at separate times, in my house. I have seen the dementia of Alzheimers and the ravages of plain old age. Haven't we all?

I don't believe death is anything to fear. I am very confident in the life waiting on the other side.

I'm tired of thinking about this. I don't want to be a "survivor"; I want to LIVE.