A friend's news

 A friend let me know that after 5 years cancer free, her breast cancer metastasized. She got this news a few years ago and hadn't told anyone - it kind of slipped out in conversation with me. She is doing well and her treatment doesn't even make her feel sick - I guess they've improved things over the years. She is living her life, and her doctor says she has no reason to think anything will change - just that she will be in treatment for the rest of her life.

Of course we all know this is a possibility. When I think about it - which I try not to - I feel like the axe is poised over my head, waiting until I least expect it. Each time I have unexplained pain, for instance.

I also firmly believe that God knows when my time is and there's nothing I can do to change it, that life is short and needs to be lived to its fullest regardless, making the most of my time here on earth. At my agm already over the top of the hill, anyway.

She isn't upset about it, and encouraged me to feel the same way. Overall I do, but it still makes me sad, a bit scared, and more determined than ever to make the decisions needed to live my best life.

Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer

I spent the past few days reading through this blog, from start to finish. Wow! I've forgotten so much. I'm so glad I kept this journal, and I highly recommend to anyone going through any kind of crisis to write about it. Even if you never plan to show anyone else (If you're blogging, you can write an entry and just not post it. I've done that!).

I don't really know what the kids remember from the time I was in treatment. I know I had a lot of anguish about my parenting abilities, whether I would be around for graduation and weddings, etc. I hope someday they will read this and know, if they don't already, that I did it all for them, and absolutely tried my best!

As I approach the 14th anniversary of finding my tumor, it amazes me that it's been so long. Life is fairly "normal" now. Today's normal. We had three sons get married last year. The triplets graduated from college. All of our kids are working and living on their own - the closest is around 6.5 hours away. We're excitedly planning for retirement, traveling, and enjoying our life through this stage. We bought a camper, and have enjoyed using it! I am working, and I work remotely - home is where the wifi is! In an earlier post, I didn't think I could handle working from home. Turns out it's perfect for me.

I have some stressors in my life. I am working on those, because life is too short.

Overall, life is good.

After reading through, I decided to try to improve on the look of this blog. I wanted to make my own banner, using a picture I took. I followed directions, and made this:

I was really happy with it, but for some reason when I upload it here (even following instructions), it doesn't look right. Its too small and doesn't go all the way across like it's supposed to. 

I also noticed in my reading that many of the links I posted are no longer working. I don't know what to do about that. If you're interested in the topic, you can Google it and hopefully find something. I may try to replace links if I have time, but honestly that sounds like too much work, so we'll see.

Oh well, life's too short to worry about it, so I won't. Time to fix dinner!

Checkup today

 I had my checkup today. All is well. I did do blood work, but there's no reason to think anything will be wrong there.

It's been almost exactly 14 years since I found my lump (April, 2011). If not for having to put the breast form in my bra, I pretty much forget about the cancer. But it's weird how going for a checkup STILL makes me nervous. My blood pressure, which normally has always run a little low, is always elevated at my oncology checkups.He doesn't think it's anything to worry about, but suggested I pick up a cuff and check it at home once in a while when I'm relaxed.

I'm under a lot of stress at home right now, but that's another story.

So the big takeaway is - 14 years, and all is well! 

Checking in - 2024!

 I was just talking to a friend about checking in every once in awhile in case anyone is still reading this! I am doing great and loving life! No time to write more, but just wanted to let you know, like the Who that Horton hears, I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE! 

Checking In - 2022!

 I am doing fine. It's been 11 years since I was in cancer treatment. I had been seeing my oncologist every six months, strictly because I was too nervous to switch to every year as he suggested 6 years ago. I am so blessed to have a doctor who understands and will work with me like that! This year, when he said "see you in six months" I said "I think I'm ready to do yearly". He laughed, gave me a big hug and told me he was proud of me. And that I can call or come in any time I feel the need. It was a great moment for me mentally. Mostly I don't think about cancer at all. Every morning when I put on my bra, and have to make sure the prosthesis is straight, is somewhat of a reminder - but it's just become "normal" so I don't really even think about it at all!

Of course it's always there in the back of my mind. I have arthritis in my hip and knees, and it usually doesn't bother me at all but sometimes there is pain ranging from mild to briefly extreme. Any time I have a pain anywhere I admit to a bit of panic. Doctor has told me what to look out for and when to call, and so far I have only felt the need to call once. All was well.

We are currently in the middle of Pinktober. This month still pisses me off, but I just can't spend any energy on it. It does seem a little more laid back now, or maybe I am not paying attention. They did turn the fountain pink at the cancer center, but I don't remember hearing that they had the "celebration". They probably did, but I have friends now who had breast cancer who love all that stuff, reveling in the attention of being a "survivor". As much as I have the right to hate it, they certainly have the equal right to love it. Really my main complaint is that it's not done for other cancers. Whatever.

I still share my opinion on stupid pink crap, Susan G Komen and the lack of research. I share movies like "Pink Ribbons Inc" and have made a lot of people aware. So maybe "Stupid Pink Crap Awareness Month" has become somewhat of a thing.

I still won't enter the Cancer Center during October. With everything lit up pink including the fountain, I remember too vividly the faces in the cancer room of those who weren't "lucky enough" to have the pink cancer and be "celebrated" ever. It was embarrassing then, and that hasn't changed. I need a new mastectomy bra and prosthesis, but it will wait another week until the pink is gone.

Anyway - I've been living my life! I finally woke up to all the years I wasted not giving a shit about my health. Yes - even after having cancer, having watched my parents both die of cancer, I still did not take any action whatsoever to protect my own heath. Sad!! But I can't beat myself up about it. I can only make changes going forward, and that I definitely am doing now. I've been practicing intermittent fasting, which is said to have numerous health benefits, since about April of 2021. A side benefit is I have lost 45 pounds! I wish it would be more, and faster, but my overall goal is HEALTH not weight loss in itself. It took me 40 years to gain all this weight so I can't expect quick results to be sustainable. Plus, I have learned a LOT about what years of yo-yo dieting do to one's body. I have a lot to make up for.  I've been working out - swimming, cycling and walking - I'm currently on track to complete 2022 miles in 2022 (and probably a couple of weeks early!). I joined Yes.fit, a virtual race company. Initially I did it to get a cool medal, but I quickly found that it's the logging of miles that inspires me! So I joined the VIP program and the races are now free unless I want a medal or other reward. I highly recommend this program and if you are interested, joining using this code - Y1Cu82Zr    will get us both a $5 discount. I did a Sand Dune hiking challenge on Lake Michigan this summer. It was hard, but I did it, and without super straining myself! We have neither hills nor sand where I live to I had to prepare the best I could. I am really enjoying how I'm feeling these days, and have no intention of ever dropping the intermittent fasting lifestyle. It is something sustainable that I can do for the rest of my life. It is NOT a diet - I eat what I want, just within a certain window of the day. I highly recommend it. If you are interested in finding out more, check out author Gin Stephens . I started with Delay, Don't Deny.

My husband and I became empty nesters in 2020 when the last of our 6 kids went to college. We're enjoying visiting them at school for football games (they're in the band!), visiting our older kids when we can, and just travel in general. We plan to buy a camper soon and start taking frequent short outings and eventually travelling the country once we either retire or both have remote jobs (he already does). I already have a lot of trips planned that are just waiting for an opportunity to take them! 

The bottom line is Life is Good! None of knows how much of it we have left, but we can control how we spend it. My plan is to "Live a Great Story" for as long as the Lord allows! 

For anyone who has read this far - God bless you! I always pray for anyone who happens on my blog as I happened on many when I was feverishly looking for information in the early days of my diagnosis. I don't post here anymore because it's just not my life anymore, but I do try to update once in awhile because it scared me when blogs just cut off and disappeared. I liked reading success stories and I now feel like I am one - not because I am still here, but because I am living a life beyond cancer. Much love to all!!

Ten Years

 Today is the tenth anniversary of the day I discovered my lump. My "Cancerversary".

All is well. I had my checkup recently and everything looks good. I have no reason to fear, but yet the axe hangs over me as I am sure it will for the rest of my life. Will it fall? Who knows, but God?

I try not to live my life in fear, I have always tried, and often failed. When I was trying to have a baby and kept having miscarriages, I went through and printed out Bible verses about fear and worry and posted them all over the house. It really helped, and I lived a relatively worry-free life, until I got cancer. I usually succeed at remembering God is in control, but lately it seems a little harder. Maybe because I am older, I don't feel great a lot of the time and my body is reminding me I am getting old. I have not been good about getting proper exercise and eating the right things. I feel I am wasting my second chance.

My kids are now grown and either completely out of the house or in college. My husband and I are starting to think about retirement and travel. We are in the process of buying a truck, and plan to buy a travel trailer in the fall. In the meantime, we are planning a big road trip very soon. I am working at a job I love and is meaningful and fulfilling. The future looks bright! So why am I not living my very best life by taking care of myself? Why am I tempting fate? I don't know, but it's a rut that I want to get out of.

In baby-step fashion I am trying to pull myself up a little at a time. There are steps I have successfully taken. I believe in baby steps because huge steps have always doomed me to failure. Wish me luck!

Checking in again, all is well

I mean to keep checking in occasionally because I hate finding old "cancer blogs" that end abruptly. I am still doing well. I get checkups every 6 months, because I want to, not because the doctor thinks I still need them that often. I still fear cancer when I get weird pains. But I don't dwell on cancer. It;s not something that defines me. I am working now, spend lots of time running around for my family, and am just busy living life! If you're checking in on me, thank you and I will see you next time!

Checkup

I had my five-year post-treatment checkup today. It's been five years, almost to the day, since I finished treatment for breast cancer. I don't remember the date, but I do remember pushing to be done before Thanksgiving vacation, so it was the week before.

Originally, my appointment was set for the week of Halloween. When I realized it was in October, I called and changed it! "to when?" they asked. I don't care, just not in October! Thank goodness, the fountain was crystal clear today.

Everything looks good. They don't do PET scans or anything, because my cancer was contained. I will only ever know if it's spread by watching for symptoms. The possible symptoms are many and varied.

Somehow, it seems that the farther out I get from this, the scarier it seems. Like the ax is always waiting to drop. The fact that I know so many people whose cancer returned makes it worse. But I don't want to live my life in fear, so I do the best I can. I try not to let every little thing freak me out. I try not to second-guess myself.

I should be more careful with my health, but then again I don't want to be so legalistic that it takes over my life. There must be a happy medium, and I'm trying to find it!

I usually post an update on Facebook, but I decided not to this time. It always brings 100 or so comments about how strong I am, what a fighter, kicking cancer's ass. As you may recall, I don't feel that way and I don't want to be seen that way. I am a patient who had a disease and received treatment for said disease. Nothing more, nothing less. So I didn't want to hear all that from people.

They would also say how great God is. Which is, absolutely without a doubt, 100% true. But saying so is not relevant to the situation. Our best friend died of cancer earlier this year, and God is still good. A Facebook friend died of breast cancer just last month, and God is still good. Saying that God is good because I'm well, is like saying to them that he isn't -- to me. So just remember that when my time comes, OK? God is always good!

The doctor said I could move to yearly checkups now, but he humored me when I said I'd rather stick with 6 months. He'll let me do that forever if that's what I want. And that's one reason I really love him.

Update - Five years

Hello! I had my checkup in May, and my Mammogram/ultrasound last week, and all is clear. It's been five years now. Dr. Mc says you actually celebrate once it's five years after the end of treatment, but I figure that's close enough.

Only I'm not celebrating, exactly. I'm pleased of course, but The Thing I Can't Verbalize to loved ones is that the ax is always there, ready to drop. And the further out I get, the more taunting the ax seems to be.

It's not that I'm afraid...sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. I'm just living my life. It's just there, and it will always be there. I'm probably not doing everything "right". I'm still not taking Tamoxifen, and I don't always remember to take my vitamins, and I still need to lose weight. But I don't know how much all that really matters, in the end. Some people do everything "right", and it comes back.  I know several personally, and I can't lie, it makes me a little nervous. But I can't dwell on it. It is what it is, and I don't believe I can do much to change what will be,

I've had my first real experience with lymphedema this past week. I cut myself pretty badly on a left hand finger, and even though I took care of it and it didn't get infected, my arm is swollen and painful. I have been doing some exercises, and it's much better. I am not planning to see the doctor about it as long as it doesn't get worse.

So it's five years, and all is well, and I haven't decided whether to make a big deal out of it or not. Post on Facebook? Bring it up to personal friends? I don't think I can stand a "Yay, YOU BEAT CANCER thing, so for now, I'm keeping it quiet.

My last entry was about the Pinking of the Fountain, and it's almost that time again. That will never stop bothering me. When the hospital posted an open invitation on Facebook, someone commented, can we please get some childhood cancer awareness done while it's our turn? Do we have to jump ahead to October? I wish, oh, I wish. I tried expressing myself about it and I'm just the bitter old bitch. Don't rain on the pretty pink parade and ruin the boobie cupcakes! Oh hell no! So, I won't try to do it again, because paying attention to all the pink crap was really depressing. It's easier to pretend to ignore it.

I probably won't update for another year. See you then!

Checking in again, and some thoughts that may be better off staying in my head

I can't believe it's been over a year since the last one. I guess I just don't think about cancer as often anymore - at least, not enough to write about it. The thought of it never really goes away.

I am still doing well. My next doctor visit is right at my 5 year anniversary, and after that he says we'll go to yearly checkups. That's a good thing, right? I can't lie, I still worry. Not worry exactly, because I am not a worrier. I think it's just that I know there is always still a risk. Whatever. I'm living.

Last month I completed a goal I set when I was finishing up chemo - a hike with my brother. We climbed Mt. Leconte in TN, to stay in a lodge that's only accessible via one of 5 trails. It was way too much for me, kicked my butt, and I am still trying to recover (bye-bye toenails!) BUT, I DID IT! It's a victory for me personally, not me as a former cancer patient. It sucks that I need to clarify that, but honestly, had I done it before, everyone would say something like "oh, cool! Good for you". Instead, they say things like "OMG! You are so inspiring! What a superhero! You are amazing!"

Because I know they mean well, I can't say anything, you know? But I will say it here. DO I ever just get to be ME again? Or do I always have to be this cancer kicking she-ro? Especially considering the fact it's just, in my opinion, the luck of the draw?

Today on Facebook a story was shared about the local cancer center "pinking" their fountain for"breast cancer month". I shared it and typed out a fairly long commentary, but apparently it didn't actually post. I can take a hint. I was hesitant to post my thoughts anyway. It just isn't cool to rain on the Pretty Pink Party. So I'll say that here, too.

In October, 2011, I was in the middle of my chemo treatments. Every week that month, the talk of the chemo room was all the pink crap the Cancer Center was dressed up in. We ALL hated it. It was embarrassing to the breast cancer patients, and hurtful to the others. We talked about it every week! The Cancer Center went all out, too. I don't remember the fountain being pink, but all the lighting, inside and out, was pink. There was a HUGE pink ribbon hanging on the side of the building, covering over half the three stories. Ribbons were everywhere. The staff switched to pink shirts. It was perfectly nauseating.

I know people mean well, really, I do. I don't want to say anything to hurt a patient or someone who has lost a loved one, but when is the Pink party going to stop? Would it be better if they would dye the fountain a different color every other month? Maybe, marginally...but personally, I would rather they didn't. We have awareness - particularly, breast cancer awareness. Can we stop now? Can we not hire a brass band, and provide pink refreshments, and have the TV news come? Can we stop purposefully excluding all the other cancer patients at the freaking CANCER CENTER where they have to walk through the pink crap to get to the treatments they aren't sure will help or hurt them?

Can we just stop and think?

One might logically be able to expect the Cancer Center to understand this. It's not the Breast Cancer Center, after all.

October is still depressing for me. I love Fall and am excited it's here, but the focus of the month sucks the joy out of me. This year it's been better. I've kept my mouth shut and my eyes averted. I haven't noticed a lot of pink crap in the stores because I don't shop much. I almost forgot about it until I saw the news video with the cheering and the brass band and the formal "pinking of the fountain". Deciding to share and comment was a big step for me, and whatever glitch, on Facebook's end or mine, that caused it to not be posted was a slap in the face and a reminder to keep my stupid trap shut.

People will say I'm just bitter and humorless, and that's certainly true where this is concerned.

I really didn't mean to get off on that tangent. Life is still good, See you next year.

Checking in!

As I went through my list of blog subscriptions today, I found several "cancer blogs" that haven't updated in awhile. Of course it's likely they are like me, and so busy living life they don't think to update, but I always have a moment of concern and prayer for them.

So my update is that things are great here! I'm working on gaining my overall health back. I started walking several weeks ago, and am up to 2.5 miles a day! I'm ready to move up more but trying to force myself not to overdo it. I am eating 99% clean, healthy foods. I also realize that food is given by God for our enjoyment, so there is very little I will "never eat again". My eating plan is low carb, but without the processed carb replacements. I eat clean, natural, fresh foods. Once a week I have a "cheat day" where I don't go overboard, but may have cake, potato, etc. My sweet tooth is really gone. Most sweet things taste disgusting to me. I have gone down from 12 drops of stevia in my coffee to 6.

I do enjoy plenty of healthy fats, such as coconut and olive oils, butter, avocado, and yes BACON!

I feel healthier than I have in years. My blood work is awesome, and you would never know my knee had had terrible arthritis. I am even losing weight! Slowly, but steadily.

My family has a lot going on and I am busy, but will try to check in more often! Life is good!

It's July!

Not October.

Bad enough we have to be inundated with pink crap during one whole month of the year. I was disheartened to see this on several of the food blogs I keep up with.

So, Kitchenaid gets to look good by getting others to do the work for them, all while hawking more pink crap. As a marketing idea, it's genius.

You know, Kitchenaid, you could look even better if you chose a charity that many breast cancer patients don't despise, one that will actually do good with the contributions and one that will actually HELP in the "fight against breast cancer".

From the Kitchenaid site:

"In 2014, KitchenAid will donate $450,000 or more to Susan G. Komen® through the Cook for the Cure® program to support the fight against breast cancer. Product sales will not affect this donation. Susan G. Komen® is the world’s largest breast cancer organization, funding more breast cancer research than any other nonprofit while providing real-time help to those facing the disease. Since its founding in 1982, Komen has funded more than $800 million in research and provided $1.7 billion in funding to screening, education, treatment and psychosocial support programs serving millions of people in more than 30 countries worldwide. Komen was founded by Nancy G. Brinker, who promised her sister, Susan G. Komen, that she would end the disease that claimed Suzy’s life. Visit komen.org or call 1-877 GO KOMEN. Connect with us on Facebook and Twitter. Cook for the Cure® is a registered trademark of Komen®."

I'm really curious about this statement:

"Susan G. Komen® is the world’s largest breast cancer organization, funding more breast cancer research than any other nonprofit while providing real-time help to those facing the disease"

From everything I've learned, this is absolutely NOT true. So how can they say that? Have they doctored their percentages to look better? They certainly do NOT fund more research than anyone else, in fact they fund hardly any at all. I suspect their legal loophole is the "real-time help" angle. Most research foundations provide, well, RESEARCH. There are other groups that provide help. I am not aware of any others who do both, so technically even if $1 goes to research and $1 goes to "real-time help", the statement is not a lie.

They do, supposedly, provide "real-time help". The testimonials on their site say so. However, of all the cancer blogs I have ever read, the only ones who tried to get "real-time help" from Komen were brushed off or calls went unanswered. I don't know where the testimonials came from. I'm sure there are actual people out there who have received actual help from Komen; I'm not saying they do nothing. I am saying that other than the testimonials on the Komen site, I haven't heard it from anyone else. Even among the people who adore Komen. You would think that there would be bloggers out there sharing all the great things Komen has done for them, shouting it from the rooftops, if they were out there. (I would dearly love to one day be able to say Komen has turned it around and is doing what they say they do!)

(Edited to add: I did a Google search for "What Komen has done for me". I did find one good story, on page two. I didn't look any farther than page two, but in the first two pages there was one good story.)

Instead, the general public will do all the real work for you, collecting money from their friends by doing something they were going to do this summer anyway - party with their friends. Oh, and buy a cute new pink toy with which to cook. No real work on their part and they get to feel good, too, and think they are doing something of real benefit to those they love who have been touched by cancer.

Hopefully anyone who cares about me will know that this is no way to honor me, although I doubt it.

Slow clap, can't wait to see what you have planned for October. (<insert rolling eyes here)

Checking In

When I was sick, I read so many blogs that just ended. Most of them suddenly, sort of like mine seems to have done. A few had some sort of explanation, like now that they are healthy, they don't feel the need to blog anymore. I loved that, because the ones that ended suddenly scared me!

So I would like to try and check in now and then. If you are finding and reading this blog, please know that if anything does happen to me and I can't write, my husband will post an update (at least as a comment. I should probably leave him my password. ha). I remember how scary it was for me to be reading some random stranger's blog, everything looks good and all of a sudden - NOTHING. I don't know if a normal, healthy person would be able to understand that. We know people die - of this disease or something else - I think it's the not knowing.

All morbid stuff aside - I am doing fine. I passed my 3rd anniversary last month with hardly a thought. My checkups have all been great. I'm on a 6 month cycle now and if all is well in July, will likely be released to a longer one. Overall I feel pretty good. What health issues I do have, are in no way cancer related.

I still don't like pink stuff. I still don't like the language of cancer - survivor, battle, journey. It's just LIFE. I've learned to smile and nod, and hopefully those close to me have learned to use different words.

It's just life. Life is short, cancer or not. Life is good. I'm enjoying it. :)

A Great Blog

This is not a new entry, but it says everything so well. Please read it!

Click

You may have noticed I'm not griping about stupid pink crap this year. It's definitely not because it doesn't bother me anymore. No, it bothers me exactly as much as before, maybe even more.

The truth is I am tired. After a couple of discussions with people, including my baby brother, whom I know loves and cares about me an awful lot, I realized there is absolutely nothing that will happen by griping about it other than making me MORE bitter and angry about it. Yes, that is a fatalistic attitude, and I don't really believe it, but for now I need to leave it to the experts. Those like Gayle at Pink Ribbon Blues, and the good folks at Think Before You Pink.

I just can't do it this year. Interestingly, I am not the only one. Several of my favorite "cancer bloggers" feel the same way and are staying out of it this year. I just don't have it in me. But if you think it's because I'm coming to terms with it, I am not. I want to write a letter to my local cancer center complaining about the huge pink ribbon they hung outside the building, AGAIN, stating "we care". We know they care! It's their business to care. But no other cancer gets a ribbon hung on the building. No other cancer gets the lighting changed to a not-so-subtle shade of pink (or whatever) for a month. I was getting chemo during October 2 years ago, and every single person in that chemo room felt the same way, no matter what kind of cancer they had. IT IS OFFENSIVE. And it needs to go.

So. Please read the entry I linked above, and that's probably all you will hear from me this month.

Pain

I'm having a lot more pain than I expected from the port removal. I figure it's probably because as soon as I got it put in, I started chemo the next day and didn't have time to think about it. it feels like someone punched me. It;s really sore at the incision and hurts to wear a bra.

On the bright side, it means the end of chemo! I can live with that. :)

Bye-bye, Port

I had my port removed yesterday. Of course I could have, should have done it long ago. I procrastinate, what can I say? But it's gone now.

I am very grateful for the technology. I have uncooperative veins, so chemo would have been hellish. More hellish.

I am glad it's gone. I hope I never need one again.

My Second "Lumpiversary"

Two years ago today is when I found the lump. I can't believe it's been that long already. As much as time seems to crawl sometimes, it flies even more.

it's a gorgeous spring day like it was 2 years ago. Full of promise and beauty.  I feel like I've wasted so much time not feeling great or just not wanting to do anything, while on the other hand sometimes I do too much like I am overcompensating.

I would like to slow down and enjoy life and the people in mine. In the recent past I have taken some steps to do just that.

Life goes on, no matter what we do. The only thing I can control is how I live mine.

It's Always Something

I had to take last week off work again. My knee went out. It's bothered me off and on since I injured it shortly before my diagnosis, but I never felt I had to do anything about it. Suddenly, 2 weeks ago, it just "popped" and I was in intense pain. At the moment I was sitting with my feet up. Nothing more. I have no idea what caused it, but of course the first thing you think of is scary stuff. especially when there is no obvious reason. So I was trying pretty hard to not freak out.

Luckily the x-ray showed nothing. He said we could do an MRI but it had improved and as long as it gets better we won't have to. He said it's a tear in the cartilage and if it didn't get better may need surgery. Now it is almost completely back to "normal", meaning I can't kneel and I can't bend it fully or very fast, but it's as good as it has been the past couple of years.

Still no idea what could have caused it. I was out with my scout troop the weekend prior, walking a lot, but that was 2 days before it popped.

My treatment for this was to stay off it for a week, and a course of steroid pills. I didn't have any side effects from those until last night when I couldn't sleep. It seems the same is happening tonight, too. Flashbacks!! Not as bad as that time, but still. I probably got 2 hours of sleep last night and it isn't looking good so far, for tonight.

I wonder if the fear will ever go away- the fear that every little pain has something more sinister behind it.

A Step Back

I guess I was overdoing it, because last night I had a pain in the stomach area. I couldn't really figure out where or what it was, but it felt better to put some pressure on it. I actually took a pain pill before bed and was able to sleep. I decided that today would be a lazy day.

I just don't know where to draw the line, I guess. I am supposed to move around and get back to normal activities gradually. I didn't think I was doing that much.

Blah-less!

What a difference a couple of days makes! I feel almost normal today. I have been up and around and even went out to lunch. I did tire easily, but that's OK. I'm back, BABY!! :)