Better

I'm feeling MUCH better today. I just have very little energy. But I do feel better if I sit up as opposed to lying down.

I went ahead and got my hair cut, a little above shoulder length. I am surprised that it looks really cute! I would love to color it too because the gray is really showing now, but it looks cute even gray. Now I am hoping it won't fall out anytime soon so I can enjoy it. I'm glad I did it.

Normal

I wonder if my body will ever feel normal again? My skin feels too tight, and as if it's been burned, or my arm has fallen asleep. All the time. I guess I've gotten used to it mostly but every once in awhile I notice it again and it just feels weird.

No better

Day 3 (4 if you count chemo day) after chemo and I still feel like crap. I was able to be up and around for awhile today but when I got tired and lay down for 30 minutes, I got up feeling worse than ever. I feel drunk, or hungover, or completely drugged. I hate feeling this way!

Chemo

Tuesday I had chemo for the first time. I thought it wasn't so bad. I moved around in the room and read books and listened to my music. There were coffee and snacks. I found out there is wi-fi so I can bring the laptop next time. it was actually over before I knew it. It wasn't so bad, I thought.

Yesterday I felt pretty good too. I had to go back for a shot to stimulate more white blood cells since the chemo killed them all off. I am nervous because John and Andrew have some stomach bug and I have no white cells to fight it off. I am not good at fighting stuff off even on my best day, I always catch what the kids are passing around. But I felt OK and was up and around and even went to the grocery store. It's not that bad, I thought.

Today, I feel like total crap. All my bones ache. They told me that would happen because the shot is stimulating my bone marrow to make white blood cells. I feel like throwing up. My head is killing me and the kids are too loud even though they really aren't. I feel like there is no way I can do this 7 more times! I hope they're right that I will feel better tomorrow. Will I really have good days? I hope so.

Last night I was sort of freaking out wondering why I have to go through all of this. They said my PET scan is "clean". So do I really have to do this aggressive treatment? it's been explained to me several times and I still don't get it. I guess I really am in denial.

One down, 7 to go.

Port

Today I got a port put in. Funny, I've been telling people just that, and now some are saying "oh, that was surgery?" Don't worry, I didn't think of it as surgery myself!

It was outpatient and I was back home in 4 hours. As with the mastectomy, I astounded the nurses with my quick re-mastery of such things as urinating on my own. *wink* I got home and had some soup for lunch and took a little nap. When the time came for another pain pill I had waited a little too long and was hurting. I dutifully ate a snack and took the pill. But then I got so nauseated! I mean I was SICK. Ugh. I hate that more than anything. Since then I have been trying to move around some as directed but get nauseated again when I do more than just sit up in bed.

Hopefully I will be better tomorrow because I don't know about getting chemo when I feel like crap already! I am ready to start because the sooner I do, the sooner I can stop!

I missed a call from the finance manager at the doctor's office. She wants to go over my part of the bill, before we get started. Yay. I know that is going to hurt. I have been told there are resources for help and that I should apply immediately as they are not retroactive. Hopefully we can qualify. We have 6 kids to send to college and not even savings for that. I also got a call from the social worker, which I actually received because they called the home # instead of the cell. The entire family will be able to go talk to someone for free if they want/need. So at least that is something!

Emotionally I guess I am still pretty detached about this. Luckily I learned how to detach. I don't think it's the same as denial. It's just life and needs to be dealt with. "Being content in all circumstances" is what I am shooting for, although content doesn't really describe it right now!

Stuff

I have an aggressive form so I have to do chemo. I start that on Tuesday and get a port on Monday. It would have been cool if the rapture did happen tonight so I don't have to go through all that! I guess the Bible is right though and no one knows the day or the hour, woe to them who say they do! I wonder what the guy does with those verses? But I digress....

I have talked to a lot of people who have been through this and I am feeling confident...mostly. I don't know if the doctor said all the stages and whatever. Something about positives etc. Well I am HER2 positive is all I know. Estrogen and progesterone positive which is a good thing. The HER2 is NOT a good thing and is why I need the chemo. At least as far as I understood. I have found out that I need to get copies of all this stuff to keep in a binder. So I bought a binder and a bunch of dividers and I asked for copies from the surgeons office. I'll ask the onc. on Tuesday while I sit there for 3 hours getting poison, I mean life-lengthening serum dripped into my veins. (That is a little joke, by the way ;))

A friend of a friend gave me a goodie bag her women's group makes for chemo patients. It has all kinds of supplies she found helpful when she had it. It was really nice. She did suggest i might want to go ahead and cut my hair. I was going to do that yesterday but when it came time to go I couldn't go through with it. I guess I'll just let it happen naturally. I'll pick up a wig in the chemo room on Tuesday and I have a hat I don't mind wearing (I normally HATE hats).

So, I guess its really going to happen. I am not happy about it, but I have a lot of people that are counting on me to be healthy, so here we go.

meh.

I went back and forth on whether to say anything at all on FB. I know most of them IRL, but some of them from so far back it doesn't really matter, you know? But I have 2 class reunions coming up this summer (my actual HS and the one I would have gone to if we hadn't moved here), and the people in each group have really kind of gotten close over the last year or so through FB. So I decided to say as little as possible and anyone who wants to know more can just ask. But I decided I should say something at least. It as weird because I like to keep it fairly impersonal and I don't like attention. So of course I am the one who gets triplets and breast cancer. So much for no attention, LOL.

I think I am doing OK. There is always the possibility I am in shock or denial but I think the fact that I think that's possible probably means that I am not. I do expect to have a moment of shock and reality when the bandages come off. And I will probably have another if they say I need to get chemo. See, that is the thing I want to do the least, getting chemo. I hope I won't need it and he said I might not, if he got it all. I will get it if I have to, I am keeping an open mind. One good thing about talking about it is I find other people who have been through it and they are always willing to talk to me about it. The nurse who checked me in for surgery was one. I wonder if she was assigned me for that reason or if it was just a coincidence. There have been more like that too.

I think I'm "supposed" to be all emotional about it or feel like less of a woman or something. But I really don't. it's just life. I don't know if I will change my mind on that later, but I don't think so. We'll see. I'm planning on not thinking too much in advance. I already try to live that way anyway, so it's not such a stretch.

It does still seem sort of like a bad dream, but then again so has a lot of stuff these last few years. It really did seem to happen fast. I don't know why I decided to do a self-check that morning (just 2 weeks ago today). I think it was God telling me to. I know that sounds crazy, but it's what I think. I don't know how long it had been there. I had not kept up on the checkups as much as I was supposed to. The woman doing my mammogram was chewing me out for that and it really pissed me off. Like, how is that helpful at this moment? Dont' you think I have beaten myself up over that enough, and what good does it do anyway? Then I found out the lump didn't even show up on the mammogram! It was only on the ultrasound. Fucker! Anyway there is serious doubt whether mamograms are even useful or if they could even be dangerous. the point is we found it NOW and took care of it.

We haven't said the word "cancer" to the younger kids yet. The older ones figured it out on their own from what we did tell them, and we answered their questions honestly....as we will with the younger if they have any. I want to wait to say that word to them, because as you know their only experience with "cancer" is watching my parents go through it. So my fear is that just the word will really freak them out. But they are old enough to understand that there is a difference. Just waiting for the right time to talk to them about it I guess. I admit I am sort of putting it off.

So from here, I will just sit around and try not to overdo it for the next few weeks. I will see an oncologist in 3 weeks to discuss if I need further treatment. I do know I don't want my Dad's oncologist - he was a total asswipe. Of course he is on my insurance, LOL. But there are others so I will choose one of them. He might be the best guy in town but he was so condescending to my Dad that I don't think I could look past that. I was signed on for a lot of stuff this summer - co-director of Cub Scout day camp, Girl Scout day camp, as well as just the day to day scout stuff. I had just resigned my band boosters position effective in June, so at least I won't have to worry about that.