Checking in - 2024!

 I was just talking to a friend about checking in every once in awhile in case anyone is still reading this! I am doing great and loving life! No time to write more, but just wanted to let you know, like the Who that Horton hears, I AM HERE I AM HERE I AM HERE! 

Checking In - 2022!

 I am doing fine. It's been 11 years since I was in cancer treatment. I had been seeing my oncologist every six months, strictly because I was too nervous to switch to every year as he suggested 6 years ago. I am so blessed to have a doctor who understands and will work with me like that! This year, when he said "see you in six months" I said "I think I'm ready to do yearly". He laughed, gave me a big hug and told me he was proud of me. And that I can call or come in any time I feel the need. It was a great moment for me mentally. Mostly I don't think about cancer at all. Every morning when I put on my bra, and have to make sure the prosthesis is straight, is somewhat of a reminder - but it's just become "normal" so I don't really even think about it at all!

Of course it's always there in the back of my mind. I have arthritis in my hip and knees, and it usually doesn't bother me at all but sometimes there is pain ranging from mild to briefly extreme. Any time I have a pain anywhere I admit to a bit of panic. Doctor has told me what to look out for and when to call, and so far I have only felt the need to call once. All was well.

We are currently in the middle of Pinktober. This month still pisses me off, but I just can't spend any energy on it. It does seem a little more laid back now, or maybe I am not paying attention. They did turn the fountain pink at the cancer center, but I don't remember hearing that they had the "celebration". They probably did, but I have friends now who had breast cancer who love all that stuff, reveling in the attention of being a "survivor". As much as I have the right to hate it, they certainly have the equal right to love it. Really my main complaint is that it's not done for other cancers. Whatever.

I still share my opinion on stupid pink crap, Susan G Komen and the lack of research. I share movies like "Pink Ribbons Inc" and have made a lot of people aware. So maybe "Stupid Pink Crap Awareness Month" has become somewhat of a thing.

I still won't enter the Cancer Center during October. With everything lit up pink including the fountain, I remember too vividly the faces in the cancer room of those who weren't "lucky enough" to have the pink cancer and be "celebrated" ever. It was embarrassing then, and that hasn't changed. I need a new mastectomy bra and prosthesis, but it will wait another week until the pink is gone.

Anyway - I've been living my life! I finally woke up to all the years I wasted not giving a shit about my health. Yes - even after having cancer, having watched my parents both die of cancer, I still did not take any action whatsoever to protect my own heath. Sad!! But I can't beat myself up about it. I can only make changes going forward, and that I definitely am doing now. I've been practicing intermittent fasting, which is said to have numerous health benefits, since about April of 2021. A side benefit is I have lost 45 pounds! I wish it would be more, and faster, but my overall goal is HEALTH not weight loss in itself. It took me 40 years to gain all this weight so I can't expect quick results to be sustainable. Plus, I have learned a LOT about what years of yo-yo dieting do to one's body. I have a lot to make up for.  I've been working out - swimming, cycling and walking - I'm currently on track to complete 2022 miles in 2022 (and probably a couple of weeks early!). I joined Yes.fit, a virtual race company. Initially I did it to get a cool medal, but I quickly found that it's the logging of miles that inspires me! So I joined the VIP program and the races are now free unless I want a medal or other reward. I highly recommend this program and if you are interested, joining using this code - Y1Cu82Zr    will get us both a $5 discount. I did a Sand Dune hiking challenge on Lake Michigan this summer. It was hard, but I did it, and without super straining myself! We have neither hills nor sand where I live to I had to prepare the best I could. I am really enjoying how I'm feeling these days, and have no intention of ever dropping the intermittent fasting lifestyle. It is something sustainable that I can do for the rest of my life. It is NOT a diet - I eat what I want, just within a certain window of the day. I highly recommend it. If you are interested in finding out more, check out author Gin Stephens . I started with Delay, Don't Deny.

My husband and I became empty nesters in 2020 when the last of our 6 kids went to college. We're enjoying visiting them at school for football games (they're in the band!), visiting our older kids when we can, and just travel in general. We plan to buy a camper soon and start taking frequent short outings and eventually travelling the country once we either retire or both have remote jobs (he already does). I already have a lot of trips planned that are just waiting for an opportunity to take them! 

The bottom line is Life is Good! None of knows how much of it we have left, but we can control how we spend it. My plan is to "Live a Great Story" for as long as the Lord allows! 

For anyone who has read this far - God bless you! I always pray for anyone who happens on my blog as I happened on many when I was feverishly looking for information in the early days of my diagnosis. I don't post here anymore because it's just not my life anymore, but I do try to update once in awhile because it scared me when blogs just cut off and disappeared. I liked reading success stories and I now feel like I am one - not because I am still here, but because I am living a life beyond cancer. Much love to all!!

Ten Years

 Today is the tenth anniversary of the day I discovered my lump. My "Cancerversary".

All is well. I had my checkup recently and everything looks good. I have no reason to fear, but yet the axe hangs over me as I am sure it will for the rest of my life. Will it fall? Who knows, but God?

I try not to live my life in fear, I have always tried, and often failed. When I was trying to have a baby and kept having miscarriages, I went through and printed out Bible verses about fear and worry and posted them all over the house. It really helped, and I lived a relatively worry-free life, until I got cancer. I usually succeed at remembering God is in control, but lately it seems a little harder. Maybe because I am older, I don't feel great a lot of the time and my body is reminding me I am getting old. I have not been good about getting proper exercise and eating the right things. I feel I am wasting my second chance.

My kids are now grown and either completely out of the house or in college. My husband and I are starting to think about retirement and travel. We are in the process of buying a truck, and plan to buy a travel trailer in the fall. In the meantime, we are planning a big road trip very soon. I am working at a job I love and is meaningful and fulfilling. The future looks bright! So why am I not living my very best life by taking care of myself? Why am I tempting fate? I don't know, but it's a rut that I want to get out of.

In baby-step fashion I am trying to pull myself up a little at a time. There are steps I have successfully taken. I believe in baby steps because huge steps have always doomed me to failure. Wish me luck!

Checking in again, all is well

I mean to keep checking in occasionally because I hate finding old "cancer blogs" that end abruptly. I am still doing well. I get checkups every 6 months, because I want to, not because the doctor thinks I still need them that often. I still fear cancer when I get weird pains. But I don't dwell on cancer. It;s not something that defines me. I am working now, spend lots of time running around for my family, and am just busy living life! If you're checking in on me, thank you and I will see you next time!

Checkup

I had my five-year post-treatment checkup today. It's been five years, almost to the day, since I finished treatment for breast cancer. I don't remember the date, but I do remember pushing to be done before Thanksgiving vacation, so it was the week before.

Originally, my appointment was set for the week of Halloween. When I realized it was in October, I called and changed it! "to when?" they asked. I don't care, just not in October! Thank goodness, the fountain was crystal clear today.

Everything looks good. They don't do PET scans or anything, because my cancer was contained. I will only ever know if it's spread by watching for symptoms. The possible symptoms are many and varied.

Somehow, it seems that the farther out I get from this, the scarier it seems. Like the ax is always waiting to drop. The fact that I know so many people whose cancer returned makes it worse. But I don't want to live my life in fear, so I do the best I can. I try not to let every little thing freak me out. I try not to second-guess myself.

I should be more careful with my health, but then again I don't want to be so legalistic that it takes over my life. There must be a happy medium, and I'm trying to find it!

I usually post an update on Facebook, but I decided not to this time. It always brings 100 or so comments about how strong I am, what a fighter, kicking cancer's ass. As you may recall, I don't feel that way and I don't want to be seen that way. I am a patient who had a disease and received treatment for said disease. Nothing more, nothing less. So I didn't want to hear all that from people.

They would also say how great God is. Which is, absolutely without a doubt, 100% true. But saying so is not relevant to the situation. Our best friend died of cancer earlier this year, and God is still good. A Facebook friend died of breast cancer just last month, and God is still good. Saying that God is good because I'm well, is like saying to them that he isn't -- to me. So just remember that when my time comes, OK? God is always good!

The doctor said I could move to yearly checkups now, but he humored me when I said I'd rather stick with 6 months. He'll let me do that forever if that's what I want. And that's one reason I really love him.

Update - Five years

Hello! I had my checkup in May, and my Mammogram/ultrasound last week, and all is clear. It's been five years now. Dr. Mc says you actually celebrate once it's five years after the end of treatment, but I figure that's close enough.

Only I'm not celebrating, exactly. I'm pleased of course, but The Thing I Can't Verbalize to loved ones is that the ax is always there, ready to drop. And the further out I get, the more taunting the ax seems to be.

It's not that I'm afraid...sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not. I'm just living my life. It's just there, and it will always be there. I'm probably not doing everything "right". I'm still not taking Tamoxifen, and I don't always remember to take my vitamins, and I still need to lose weight. But I don't know how much all that really matters, in the end. Some people do everything "right", and it comes back.  I know several personally, and I can't lie, it makes me a little nervous. But I can't dwell on it. It is what it is, and I don't believe I can do much to change what will be,

I've had my first real experience with lymphedema this past week. I cut myself pretty badly on a left hand finger, and even though I took care of it and it didn't get infected, my arm is swollen and painful. I have been doing some exercises, and it's much better. I am not planning to see the doctor about it as long as it doesn't get worse.

So it's five years, and all is well, and I haven't decided whether to make a big deal out of it or not. Post on Facebook? Bring it up to personal friends? I don't think I can stand a "Yay, YOU BEAT CANCER thing, so for now, I'm keeping it quiet.

My last entry was about the Pinking of the Fountain, and it's almost that time again. That will never stop bothering me. When the hospital posted an open invitation on Facebook, someone commented, can we please get some childhood cancer awareness done while it's our turn? Do we have to jump ahead to October? I wish, oh, I wish. I tried expressing myself about it and I'm just the bitter old bitch. Don't rain on the pretty pink parade and ruin the boobie cupcakes! Oh hell no! So, I won't try to do it again, because paying attention to all the pink crap was really depressing. It's easier to pretend to ignore it.

I probably won't update for another year. See you then!

Checking in again, and some thoughts that may be better off staying in my head

I can't believe it's been over a year since the last one. I guess I just don't think about cancer as often anymore - at least, not enough to write about it. The thought of it never really goes away.

I am still doing well. My next doctor visit is right at my 5 year anniversary, and after that he says we'll go to yearly checkups. That's a good thing, right? I can't lie, I still worry. Not worry exactly, because I am not a worrier. I think it's just that I know there is always still a risk. Whatever. I'm living.

Last month I completed a goal I set when I was finishing up chemo - a hike with my brother. We climbed Mt. Leconte in TN, to stay in a lodge that's only accessible via one of 5 trails. It was way too much for me, kicked my butt, and I am still trying to recover (bye-bye toenails!) BUT, I DID IT! It's a victory for me personally, not me as a former cancer patient. It sucks that I need to clarify that, but honestly, had I done it before, everyone would say something like "oh, cool! Good for you". Instead, they say things like "OMG! You are so inspiring! What a superhero! You are amazing!"

Because I know they mean well, I can't say anything, you know? But I will say it here. DO I ever just get to be ME again? Or do I always have to be this cancer kicking she-ro? Especially considering the fact it's just, in my opinion, the luck of the draw?

Today on Facebook a story was shared about the local cancer center "pinking" their fountain for"breast cancer month". I shared it and typed out a fairly long commentary, but apparently it didn't actually post. I can take a hint. I was hesitant to post my thoughts anyway. It just isn't cool to rain on the Pretty Pink Party. So I'll say that here, too.

In October, 2011, I was in the middle of my chemo treatments. Every week that month, the talk of the chemo room was all the pink crap the Cancer Center was dressed up in. We ALL hated it. It was embarrassing to the breast cancer patients, and hurtful to the others. We talked about it every week! The Cancer Center went all out, too. I don't remember the fountain being pink, but all the lighting, inside and out, was pink. There was a HUGE pink ribbon hanging on the side of the building, covering over half the three stories. Ribbons were everywhere. The staff switched to pink shirts. It was perfectly nauseating.

I know people mean well, really, I do. I don't want to say anything to hurt a patient or someone who has lost a loved one, but when is the Pink party going to stop? Would it be better if they would dye the fountain a different color every other month? Maybe, marginally...but personally, I would rather they didn't. We have awareness - particularly, breast cancer awareness. Can we stop now? Can we not hire a brass band, and provide pink refreshments, and have the TV news come? Can we stop purposefully excluding all the other cancer patients at the freaking CANCER CENTER where they have to walk through the pink crap to get to the treatments they aren't sure will help or hurt them?

Can we just stop and think?

One might logically be able to expect the Cancer Center to understand this. It's not the Breast Cancer Center, after all.

October is still depressing for me. I love Fall and am excited it's here, but the focus of the month sucks the joy out of me. This year it's been better. I've kept my mouth shut and my eyes averted. I haven't noticed a lot of pink crap in the stores because I don't shop much. I almost forgot about it until I saw the news video with the cheering and the brass band and the formal "pinking of the fountain". Deciding to share and comment was a big step for me, and whatever glitch, on Facebook's end or mine, that caused it to not be posted was a slap in the face and a reminder to keep my stupid trap shut.

People will say I'm just bitter and humorless, and that's certainly true where this is concerned.

I really didn't mean to get off on that tangent. Life is still good, See you next year.